My Mother

I really need to vent a little.  I wish my friend, Ellen, had Wifi, coz posting from my phone is a royal pain.  

Saturday, last weekend, I was at my sister's all day, making Amish potato salad.  Mom showed up in the late afternoon, and made the rest of the day just awful.  First, she gave me the third degree, because she assumed I was staying in Pennsylvania till my sister's hysterectomy on the 25th.  She would not get off my case.  'She's your family.'  'Don't come see me, if I'm in the hospital.'  On and on.  Eileen kept telling her she didn't need me there, but Mom ignored her.  All I kept saying is 'I can't.  I have obligations and appointments in Michigan.'  

Then, she got on my back because I make blankets for all of Colleen's nieces and nephews, even second and third children.  I told her that I made the decision to do this 8 years ago, and to drop it.  I kept repeating "Drop it!" After the fourth time she said, "You really mean Drop Dead."  I looked her in the eye and said, "Bull****"  Then I kept crocheting.

Erin's baby shower was on Sunday, August 31st.  That was her brother, Neil's, birthday.  So, Kathy had a bowling party, with pizza and soda, because he absolutely loves to bowl.  Mom announced she wasn't going, because she claimed her rheumatoid arthritis in her right hand prevented her from holding the ball.  I said she could go and watch how much fun her grandsons had.  She still said she couldn't go.  I told her I love to swim, and still enjoy going to pools and lakes with my grandchildren, and watching how much fun they're having, even if I don't swim.  She then talked about how she cried during every one of her summer pregnancies when people were swimming while she couldn't.  Then she asked me if I cried watching the kids swim.  I said, "No Mom.  I'm more mature than that."  She said she guesses she's not mature.  I told her I totally agreed.

Then, on Thursday, I went over to play Scrabble with her.  I told her that Kathy was having all of us over to her house Friday, for take-out Chinese and to sing "Happy Birthday" to her.  She said, "I only celebrate my birthday on my birthday."  I told her Sean and I were driving back to Michigan on Saturday.  I later found out that Kathy also had to go out of town.  Then, she started to rant about how awful it was that Erin's baby shower was on Neil's birthday.  I told her that Kathy and Erin's fiance's Mom chose the 31st because there was a large family event in his family, bringing long distance family members to town that weekend.  She said they could have sent their gifts.  I told her that was childish.  She said "I guess I'm childish then."  I said, "Oh yes.  You are."  

Finally, I tried calling her all day, on her birthday.  When I finally reached her that night, she said, "Trisha, you were in town today.  You could have called me then.  I told her I left town at 7:00 a.m., and knew she never wants to be awakend that early.  Then, she started whining about how she had a birthday, and everyone left town.  She said that Kathy's reason for going away was okay.  I told her I had to leave because I have obligations.  She sarcastically said, "I know.  You're very important."  I told her she doesn't have to be sarcastic.  I told her that I have a commitment today, an appointment on Monday, and I have to babysit for Colleen Monday afternoon.  She stopped her pity party, but from her tone, I could tell it wasn't over.

She pulled that birthday crap before, back in the 80's.  Before answering machines, and voicemail, I tried calling her on her birthday three times, and didn't.  When I reached her the next day, she *****ed at me because I didn't call her on her actual birthday.  

When I saw my old therapist on Friday, I flat out told him that Mom's crap that week had nothing to do with her Bipolar Disorder..  It's all her personality.  I also said that my grandchildren are more mature than Mom, and the oldest is 7 years old.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Hugs,

Trish

Trish aren't families fun? They dont get that we have obligations! And that us have your own children and pets and and and!!!!!! 

Who kepy Utley for u? I bet u had to get back to him!

I understand where u are coming from!!!!

Carla

Carla, Utley stays at my son, Sean's while I travel.  His girlfriend  has a dogsitting business, where she goes to people's homes, and walks their dogs.  I pay her, and usually, she and Sean play with him, with their dog.  This trip, I took Sean back home with me.  She's great with him.

Hugs,

Trish

Trish you can rant all you want here if it makes you feel better!!!! I know I do it enough!!!! All I can say is WOW!!!!!!!!

HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Oh Trish....my heart is just breaking for you. This should be the fun time in your mom's life, and yours. Her golden years. She should be happy and making good family memories with you and all the family. I agree that is not Bi-Polar Disorder. She shouldn't be fighting with you all the time. I think she, for some reason is very jealous of you. Were you a daddy's girl? 

Has she been checked for head injuries? Has she ever spoken with a therapist? Does she have a personality disorder? Did she and your father have issues together? There is something seriously wrong with her. How old is she? Sorry, but she is actually throwing tantrums. Something about you sets her off. Is she like that with your other siblings? I am not trying to be nosy, really I am not. This is just so odd.

I was blessed...I had the sweetest, kindest, most loving mother. She never raised her voice to me not once that I can even remember. My sister and brother said she never did to them either. I always say if I can be be half the mom my mother was to me I would be an awesome mom!!!! This is why I miss her so much!!!

I really hope your mom has a change of heart or whatever it takes for her to change. She needs to do something before she is no longer here on this earth. You are her child.

I always pray for you....I will be praying for her too. God Bless.

Love you...HUGS.....connie d

Sweet Connie,

Yes, yes and yes.  Mom is jealous of me.  I definitely was Daddy's girl.  No, she wasn't as extreme with my siblings.  My Dad didn't fuss over my older brother and sister, because he worked very long hours in a coal mine when they were babies.  By the time I came along, he had a regular, good, union job at a steel mill.  He fussed all over me.  Mom felt bad for my sister, so she compensated by ignoring me, and fussing all over her.  Eileen always had long hair, but she always made me get an ugly pixie cut, and never let me have ponytails, or pigtails, or braids like all the other girls.  My siblings all went to public school, but I had to attend Catholic school, for the first three years.  Horrible nuns bit kids all the time there.

She's been on meds for her bipolar disorder since I was an infant, but never received psychotherapy.  My therapist and I think she's got undiagnosed borderline personality disorder.  I had it, and can spot someone with the same behaviors as me a mile away.  Which is why I am so very happy I no longer act that way.  My kids avoided me like the plague after they graduated from high school.  I used to act just like Mom.  When I realized it, I told the kids I was sorry, and would make every effort not to do that from then on.  Since then, my relationship with them is the total opposite of my relationship with her.

Mom and Dad never got along.  Mom's way of dealing with her anger iis the passive aggressive cold shoulder, which can last for months.  Plus, she'll bring up things Dad did wrong during their first year of marriage, and he's been dead since 1977.

I'm just sad that I've never had a good memory with her in it.  I have decent memories with Dad.  Mom spent a lot of my childhood in psych hospitals, or having surgery.  When she was home, I was miserable.

Thanks for your concern.

Hugs,

Trish

Trish...once again I am so sorry you have to go through this kind of treatment from your own mother.  

Now that you explained more I can see the picture more clearly. Your mom was angry with your dad. You were daddy's girl. Everything else just fell into place for her. I agree, what I know about Borderline Personality Disorder (have a friend with it) your mom fits the mold completely. On top of that her personality is passive aggressive. WOW....she is like a bomb ready to go off any time. You my dear are the target!!

I am so proud of you!!! You worked hard and got your life straightened out. You did it for yourself, but also for your children and grandchildren!! You are a great mom and your grandchildren adore you!!! 

You are also a good friend and we are lucky to have you here with us on OFF!!! You vent whenever you need too. We all do when it is necessary. This is as safe a place as anywhere to speak up. 

I hope today is a better day for you!!!

Love you...HUGS....connie d

Trish, 

I am sorry to hear your interactions with your mother are so troubled.  My sister's had a rough time with my mom in her later years. She had lost every thing she loved and could be quite demanding and bitter. 

My best friend's mother was a borderline. She had three therapist recommend she severe her relationship with her mom. Her mom was absolutely toxic.  It got worse as she got older. Claire always sent birthday, mother's day and Christmas cards and gifts. As she found out about a year. Before her mother passed, she had dementia which had exacerbated her personality disorder and further alienated her from family and the few friends she had. It has always made my friend sad she could not have a healthy relationship with her mom. 

You should be so proud of yourself that you turnedcit around with your family. 

Blessings 

Francine